


Scenes from an Empty Bar

by zoethart



Category: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, repost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-03-12
Updated: 2004-03-12
Packaged: 2019-04-16 22:07:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14174388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoethart/pseuds/zoethart
Summary: Just because you like the fire, doesn't mean you like getting burned.





	1. A Case of You

**Author's Note:**

> I do not, and have no desire to, own any part of CSI or any of the songs referenced in the story that follows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Title is by Joni Mitchell and part of the plot and some of the lines overlap with her song by the same title.

The bar is dark, and I use the blue light of the mute TV to sketch by. The back of a coaster is rapidly becoming filled with small reproductions of you. The black ink scratching the lines of your face on the soft off-white cardboard. I carefully keep my canvas from becoming soggy on the sticky, wet bar. This isn’t the nicest bar I’ve ever been in but it’s quiet and quiet is something I crave right now. No people. No people to bother me. No people to keep my front up for. Of course, no people also means no you.

We were becoming friends and it had felt good. So good. Maybe a little too good. I tried not to let it show. I tried to let you set the pace, you were the one after all who had once intimated we weren’t going to be friends. I tried to give you space. But apparently, I have failed. Or maybe it’s something else. Who knows?

First came the text: “Sorry can’t make it cul8.”  
Second, the incredulous look as answer to my question accompanied by an indignant: “That’s private, Sara.”  
Third: the “no” to my breakfast invitation. You didn’t even look up.  
Fourth on the list: we are back to square one, cold shoulders, bitchy remarks and all.  
Fifth: the built-up hope leaves a bitter taste in my mouth every time you’re near.  
And finally, I’m here: shifting through the images of what happened in my head and drawing you on a coaster.

The bartender walks over and puts another beer in front of me. “Shift change,” he says, “I’d like to settle up.” I’m never quite sure whether they do that to get their tip or for some administrative reason, but I pay my two beers and tip him. Then I go back to my sketching. Music plays softly in the background; Joni Mitchell singing Big Yellow Taxi. The irony scrapes along my raw nerve endings bringing tears to my eyes. I blink them away.

“You want some fresh ones?” the new bartender asks. She cleanses and carefully dries the bar around the spot where I’m working, before taking a couple new coasters from a stack behind the bar and placing them next to my hand. I look up to thank her for her thoughtfulness, but freeze. She’s studying my drawings upside down intently, picking up the coaster she turns it around and holds it closer.

What truly catches my attention though is her mouth. She has a mouth like yours. Your lips always seem a little crooked when you smile. I used to think it was caused by an accident or something, but now I’m not sure. It could be a complete fluke or perhaps if you two were standing close the similarity would prove to be caused by my imagination.

I hold out my hand without saying a word. I want to but know that anything I say right now would make this into a big thing and I still hold out hope that the situation will dissolve into nothing.

She hands it back to me. “These are good.” Her eyes bore into mine. “You must care for her.” Casually she wipes the rest of the bar, washes some glasses. “What’s your name sug?” she asks with barely a glance my way.

I have to swallow before I can answer, apprehension tingling in my throat, “Sara.”

“She’s told me about you.”

Blood roars in my ears as it rushes to my face, my heart sinks into my stomach, pounding wildly, and my eyes water with the force of the blow.

“You work together right?” the woman continues. When she doesn’t get an answer, she looks up, comes closer and as she notices the slowly dropping tears concern fills her eyes. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

I manage a shrug, but this obviously doesn’t appease her.

“Is Cath alright?”

“Yeah,” I croak. “Yeah, she’s fine.”

“Did you have a fight with her?”

Your facial similarity is clearly no fluke. This must be your sister. “I have to go,” I mumble sliding of the barstool. Fishing in my jeans pocket for some money, I drop a five in front of her and reach for my coaster.

She’s quicker though and captures it between her hand and the bar. “You’ve paid already,” she tells me calmly. “Sit down, let me buy you a drink.” She pours a beer with one hand, it’s a bit sloppy, and sets it in front of me. I hesitate. “I’m not my sister, but I do know her well,” she tries to tempt me. It works, I sit back down. Offering me her hand, she releases the coaster. “Nancy.”

“Hi.”

She tells me about you, about herself and listens as I tell her about you, about me. She knows how to win my trust. Although I’ll probably regret my honesty with her by nightfall, it is not just induced by the alcohol. I’m a little fuzzy around the edges as I look into my fourth empty glass contemplating you. “She has such fire, but it’s contained you know, at least… mostly.” I fall silent as I remember the times when it wasn’t contained, when you lashed out, when you burned me.

“Well,” Nancy starts to say. But I go on with my own train of thought, reluctant to have it interrupted.

“It’s what I like about her, she doesn’t seem afraid.”

Nancy snorts. “Sara, two things.” She waits until I look up. “Two things, one: if you like the fire, you’ll have to decide whether you want to be close or look on from a safe distance. Because if you’re close, you’ll get burned. It’s the nature of the beast. Secondly: Cath is plenty scared. But she hates it, so she’ll ignore it best she can.”

She turns around, starts making a fresh pot of coffee, and puts on the kettle preparing tea. What she said makes sense. Do I want to risk getting burned? Because I will. One thing I can say about you with certainty, once I’m in, I’ll be in. You’re loyal to a fault. That’s worth getting burned for, that’s worth staying for. The question though is “how do I get in?”

Nancy puts a large mug of tea in front of me. “Drink your tea, you should go to bed.”

She’s caring without being soft or condescending, making it easier to accept, her perceptiveness warming a part of me that the tea never could. It’s been a while since someone has been this nice to me without wanting something in return besides some basic politeness. I smile my thanks shyly.

“You mean in with Catherine?” Nancy says referring to my question.

I shrug, suddenly embarrassed.

“The only advice I can give you is: go to her, stick with her. If she doesn’t want you there, she’ll tell you to get lost. If you back off every time she bitches, you might as well quit now; you won’t get in anyway.”

As I get up to leave a little while later, I hesitate but decide to leave the drawing. I don’t need it, a mute testimony to my apathetic attitude. I’m going to get up in your face and stay with you until you explicitly tell me to piss off.

Nancy picks up the coaster and studies it again. “You love her, don’t you?”

I can feel my cheeks heat.

She looks up at me and gives me a little smile. Again, I’m struck by the odd similarity. Aside from your mouths, you two actually look quite different. Nancy is a little fuller, a little softer around the edges, rich dark hair framing her face. Beautiful without the hint of wildness that makes you so alluring.

“That might just be what has her scared,” she says, her head tilted speculatively. “Sara, if you have the guts, if you think she’s worth it? Let her tell you differently.”


	2. Say What You Want

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Title by Texas and the chapter is inspired by the song with the same title (no, not the one ft. Method Man, no not the one from the Bridget Jones Diary 2 Soundtrack, but the original).

She watched the gull sail effortlessly through the sky; wind strong under its wings. The white/gray bird gradually disappearing against the backdrop off an overcast sky. Pushing away from the hood of her black car, she walked towards the window on the driver’s side and grabbed her ringing phone.

“Willows.” She moved the phone to her other ear. “Sara, what…” Sighing she leaned back against the car, listening to the voice that somehow always made her uncomfortable. The continuous ripple of waves down below helped keep her calm when she answered: “I’m out at Lake Mead I’m not driving back just to sign a report. It can wait till next shift… I’ll say hi to her this afternoon… He isn’t with me.”

The silence on the other end was clearly stunned and she used it to say goodbye and hang up. The phone ended up on the driver’s seat again and she hoisted herself onto the hood, feet on the bumper. Why Sara would ask after Chris she didn’t know, but she didn’t like it. Chris was a bastard and long gone but she wasn’t going to share that with her colleague. Besides there was nothing to share: the pain had dulled, life went on. The constantly shifting different shades of gray, brown and black ahead of her eventually soothed her thoughts.

The sound of a softly rumbling car engine coming closer and the crunching of tires on the loose soil pulled her out of her reverie. She looked up just as the driver cut the engine and stepped out of the car.

“Catherine.”

She looked at her but didn’t answer.

“You all right?”

Catherine looked away, sighed but didn’t answer. A tight feeling seizing her chest, she didn’t know what to do with it.

“Cath…”

“I’m all right Sara. Did you bring the report for me to sign? It could easily have waited you know.”

“Uh no, didn’t bring it.”

Catherine looked back at Sara. She was suddenly a lot closer, almost standing next to her. “Then why are you here?”

Sara shrugged. “Wanted to see you.” Gracefully she slid up on the hood next to Catherine. Silence stretched out around them quickly, easily suppressing the soft sounds of the water, wind and small animals surrounding them.

“I’m not really in the mood,” Catherine eventually ground out.

“You don’t have to be.”

The words were said with such gentleness and lightness, they created the space Catherine needed to breathe again. Tears rose in her eyes but stayed there. A quick nod was her only reaction and she settled back in to watch the shifting colors across the water surface. The silence less deafening now.

When the clouds disappeared, and the air heated beyond what they could bear in their decent work wear, Sara slid off the hood as gracefully as she’d slid on it and held out her hand. “I’ll buy you lunch.”

Catherine shook her head. “I need to sleep before I pick up Linds.”

“You also need to eat. I know you haven’t since you started shift yesterday.”

“I picked something up on my way here.”

“No, you haven’t.”

She could see Sara hold her breath; it was a pretty daring thing to say with their loose tempers. But, oddly, Catherine felt a shiver at the casual caring and perceptiveness Sara showed, not the flare of anger and besides Sara was right. Catherine grabbed the outstretched hand and slid off the car as well. “Okay, you lead the way then.”

Sara pulled up at a drive-through while Catherine waited in her own car at the side of the road, wondering what Sara would bring her. A few minutes later they were on their way again, heading towards her home Catherine soon realized. The idea relaxed her; she could crawl right into bed afterwards if she wanted.

In her kitchen the silence started to get to her again setting her teeth on edge. “You can talk to me you know, what’s the point of being here otherwise?”

Sara put the plates down and turned her eyes towards the blonde. She opened her mouth as if to speak but then closed it again.

“What? What is it? Why are you here? Why did you want to see me?”

Sara sighed. “Look, I know we’re not very close, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like you. Occasionally I just want to see you; even when we’re working the same case we sometimes hardly see each other.”

“So, what is this? You get to satisfy some selfish need; have lunch with me, pretend we’re great friends? Life isn’t always about what you want you know!”

“And what do you want?”

‘What I want?’ Catherine raked her fingers through her hair in agitation. “I want a fight!” she snarled.

Sara visibly hesitated before fire flared in her eyes. “Fine! Come on, pick a fight. Should be easy enough, it seems to be a real talent with you.”

“And what is that supposed to mean? Like you don’t have a temper? Like you don’t rant and rave every time you have a bad day? Like you don’t stomp out of a room like a spoiled little brat when things don’t go your way?” Catherine glared at her as she paused to catch her breath. “Do I need to refresh your memory? Because I can you know, the list is long enough.”

“It has nothing on yours!”

“That the best you have little miss Sidle?”

“My tongue isn’t as vicious as yours Ms. Bitch.”

“Oh, I think you do vicious pretty well. Get out!” Catherine’s eyes would have turned Sara into a pile of ash if they’d held that power, but Sara managed to stand her ground.

“No! We’re going to have lunch.” She sat down, unwrapping the burritos she’d bought, putting one on each plate before looking back at Catherine.

“What? You’re just going to pretend everything is fine?”

“You are capable of doing two things simultaneously, right?” Sara taunted.

The table shook under Sara’s hands as Catherine slammed the door to the kitchen shut behind her. Taking a deep breath to steady herself, Sara picked up her burrito.

Thirty minutes later Sara rose and went in search of Catherine. She found her in the upstairs bedroom. The comforter turned back to make room for the slim body, she was lying with her clothes still on and her socked feet dangling over the side of the bed. Her eyes were closed but her body sent clear signals that she wasn’t sleeping.

Sara watched her for a while, until she couldn’t stand it anymore. She had to remind herself that this woman was worth conquering her fear of rejection for before she could start to move towards her instead of away from her. Walking around the bed to the unoccupied side, she sat down with her back towards the other woman.

“Haven’t you had enough yet?” Catherine asked eventually, but the question held no fire.

Sara lay back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. “Enough of you?”

It took a while before Catherine answered and when she did, it was so quietly her answer could barely be heard. “Yeah.”

“No. No, I haven’t.” A slow smile spread across her face. It felt good to be so sure of her feelings and not hide them for once.

Catherine turned on her other side, facing Sara. “Why are you smiling?”

Sara turned from her study of the ceiling to smile into clear blue eyes. “It’s good to be here.”

Leisurely a hand reached out to Sara’s face, gently caressing a cheek. “I don’t know what to do with you.”

“I think you do, al you have to do…” Sara’s smile grew bigger, “is actually do it,” she ended teasingly.

Rising on one elbow, Catherine leaned closer studying dark brown eyes looking straight into hers. She closed the distance between them slowly but deliberately until they were almost touching. Catherine’s eyes flicked to Sara’s mouth before coming back to her eyes. She kept their gazes locked until the very last moment as she inched nearer. Only shutting her eyes as their lips touched in a soft kiss.

Opening her mouth to Catherine, Sara could almost taste the fear on Catherine’s tongue. Gently she pulled away. “Catherine?”

A guarded gaze met hers.

“I want you. I want to get to know you better. I want to spend time with you.” She tightened her hold on the body in her arms, hoping the gesture would lend Catherine the confidence she needed. “Don’t be afraid.”

This time Catherine’s kiss, although still gentle, held some of the passion and fire Sara loved. The soft firmness of Catherine’s lips, the wet heat of her tongue, the urgency to be close, to be together, to believe that Sara could feel in the kiss filled her until she was brimming with a desire to never let go.

When they stopped minutes later, Sara didn’t let go and Catherine didn’t pull away, she snuggled closer nestling her face in the crook of Sara’s neck.

“I have to tell you something.”

“Hm?” Catherine murmured against her skin.

“I have met your sister.”


	3. Hallelujah I Love Her So

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Title, part of the plot and some of the lines are from the song ‘Hallelujah I Love Him/Her So’ by Ray Charles.

The bar is quiet as usual. Nancy won’t get rich working here. I’ve just come off shift and I am in need of a chat with my sis. Her shift starts at nine, but she always gets here early. I kill the time until her arrival by doodling on a coaster.

Jerry puts a coffee in front of me. “What’s with you girls? Doodling on coasters the new hip thing to do?”

I smile up at him. “You have more doodlers here?”

“Well usually never, people either talk or stare morosely out the window, but two, three weeks ago we had a quiet girl, kinda pretty, but too shy, you know?”

I nod. This could be you; I know you’ve been here once.

“She was one serious doodler,” he smiles at me, “hardly stopped long enough to drink her beer.”

“Well, I’m just waiting for Nance. I’m not turning into a serious doodler,” I smile back at him.

“Nah, you’re too social for that,” he says before turning away from me and walking off.

When I get my second cup, Nancy walks in. Spotting me immediately, she walks over and gives me a hug. “Wondered when I’d see you here,” she tells me softly. “Hey Jerry, how old is that tea?”

“Too old for your sensitive taste buds.”

“Pour me an orange juice?” With her glass in hand, she directs me away from the bar and to a quiet corner. “I have hardly seen you for what... two weeks? Want to tell me about it?” She asks when we’ve sat down.

“I was just wondering about someone you met? About three weeks ago?” I neatly circumvent her question for now.

“Ah, the brunette.” Nancy smirks a little. “That’s what I figured.”

“Yes, the brunette. Tell me about it?”

“Why, what happened?”

I’m beginning to get irritated. At this rate, I’ll still be here when my shift starts. “Come on sis, what did you tell her?”

She looks at me, trying to gauge my mood probably. “Not much actually. She was already here when I came in, completely focused-”

“Yes, doodling on a coaster, I know,” I interrupt her. I’m about to urge her to get to the point, when she continues.

“Oh no, it was much more than doodling.” She stands up. “Hang on.” And she’s off, slipping behind the bar and into the backroom. When she returns, she has a coaster in her hand. She has your coaster. I didn’t know that.

I reach out to take it from her as she sits down, but she holds it out of my reach. “She left it here and I don’t know if she would want you to see it…”

I nod, and she allows me to take it from her. The drawings are exquisite. I can easily recognize myself. I can only imagine what kind of mood you were in when you did these. After a while, I notice the silence from the other side of the table and realize I’ve been lost in thought. Nancy is looking at me looking at the drawings.

“What’s happened?” she asks quietly.

“I don’t know.” I can’t stop looking at the drawings of me. “I don’t know.” My eyes tear up and tension freezes my jaw, slowly moving it I manage to repeat again: “I don’t know.”

“Just tell me what happened. The first thing that happened.” Her voice is soft without sounding belittling. She’s always had this amazing ability to get people to open up, trust her. I’ve often wanted to be her; she always attracts people who don’t stab her in the back, betray her, cheat her.

“She… just…” I’m trying to find a way to describe what happened, but it is not actually that easy. “She just came over one time… and we fought. God. I don’t know, but she wouldn’t leave.” My mouth opens but I can’t say it.

Nancy’s face has softened; she looks at me as she waits patiently.

“She’s been at my place a lot, she’s with Lindsay right now, probably already brought her to school…”

“WOW,” Nancy looks a little amazed and pleased.

But I can’t help the uncomfortable feeling, the itch low in my body causing me to shift and squirm in my seat. “I don’t know, I just… I can’t, I don’t, I, I…”

She puts her hand close to mine on the table, just barely touching it. “Hey,” she waits until I look up, “Cath, you once told me you just wanted someone exciting and trustworthy and was that too much to ask.”

I look at her intently, hoping she has an answer for me.

“Sounds to me as though you’re getting plenty excitement and she seems very trustworthy,” she waits a beat as her words sink in, waiting to see if I’m going to refute her. When I don’t she continues, “So, the question is: Are you happy when you’re with her? Do you want to dress up for her? Burry your face in her neck? Have her fingers deep inside you?”

My jaw drops at her last words, but the shock value isn’t so big I forget her questions.

“To how many is the answer yes?”

I blush but answer clearly. “To all.”

“Then what don’t you know, Catherine? If she loves you?”

I think about that. You haven't said the words, but it is all so new. “She brings me coffee every time she pours one for herself, in a cup without an ear because she knows I prefer it.” Nancy signals to Jerry for refills for both of us, but doesn’t say anything, just returns to listening to me. “When I call her, tell her I’m home alone, she’s at the front door before I can even finish changing clothes.”

I wait until Jerry has put our drinks down and use the time to gather my thoughts. “I think she might,” I finally answer when he’s gone. “She listens to me, is really interested in me, and loves to spend time with Lindsay. She backs me up and fights with me…” I fall silent as I shift through the memories of the last two weeks. It feels as though it’s been a lot longer than that already.

“I asked her if she loves you,” Nancy reveals.

My head snaps up from my study of brown swirling liquid, waiting for her to go on, I hold perfectly still.

“She didn’t answer in words, but that was the worst blush I’ve ever seen.”

Her smile is a little infectious and I can’t suppress it, not to mention the glow that’s starting in my chest. “And?” I say, hoping for more.

“I told her if she thought you were worth it, if she had the guts, to let you turn her down.”

Chewing that over I sit back in my chair. Apparently, you did have the guts. Apparently, you did think I was worth it. Goose bumps break out all over my body at that thought. The glow in my chest erupts and floods my veins, heating my skin to the point where I actually feel myself start to sweat. I look up at Nancy and I don’t know what kind of look I have on my face, but she’s smiling at me like mad.

She stands up, grabs her stuff and leans over to give me another hug. “Hey babe, my shift started five minutes ago.” She presses a kiss to my cheek. “Take your time to kickstart your brain and then get off that scared ass of yours and do something about that sweet girl waiting for you at home.”

I get up to pull her close for a second. “Love you.”

“Tell her that,” she smiles cheekily before slipping behind the bar.

Sitting back down, I notice Nancy has left your coaster lying on the table. I pick it up again, trace the lines with my fingers. Another chill runs down my spine and suddenly I need to hear you. Right now. I put my coat on and sling my bag over my shoulder. The coaster I hold in my hand, close to my stomach. Within seconds, I’m outside and in the privacy of my car. Grabbing my phone, I call you.

You pick up on the third ring. God, it feels good to hear your voice so close to me. “Are you still at my place? … Stay. Please? I’ll be right home … And Sara…” I don’t know how far I should go, how much to reveal over the phone right now. “Sara? Love you babe, see you in a bit.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story I wrote 14 years ago, I did a minor edit on it. There are some things I find problematic now but overall I still have a soft spot for it, so I decided to post it again as is.


End file.
